


wither away.

by itssunnyweatheroutside



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Ghost!AU, M/M, Pain, author dont know what she's doing, i guess, i'm sorry lol, we love painful hyunghyuk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-01-05 14:54:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18368315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itssunnyweatheroutside/pseuds/itssunnyweatheroutside
Summary: Hyungwon learns about life, love, and warmth from Minhyuk;So now Hyungwon try his best to return the same life, love, and warmth Minhyuk once taught him,when the boy lost his own light after him.





	1. fireflies.

**Author's Note:**

> gotta be honest here, i have so many ideas for this ghost AU that I don't even know which one I wanna stick with.... I'm gonna finish this, but I'm still wondering about the direction and I might just delete this and redo it all; I really don't know. but anyway, here's my unfiltered first part of the idea. do let me know any thoughts huhu thanksss and sorry for this questionable mess.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> not a summary, but something to listen to as you read this:
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzYnNdJhZQw  
> IU - Through The Night

_“Any thoughts about death, or, life?”_  
  
Much to think about.

_“Is death a dreaded end to life, already fleetingly short in time? Or, does life drags on and on longer than necessary?”_

_It depends_ , so he speaks it out.

 

Minhyuk live big, he dreams to. Each passing day was another one he embrace, excitement and gratefulness merging into one. He goes in and out the stage, yet he dreams of even bigger ones he will get to set his foot on. He just couldn’t wait to graduate and travel the world joining the orchestra. He knows that he won’t be sharing his music alone, but he dreams of being part of that life; where people dress up fancy and glamour, to watch him and the way his fingers drag the violin’s bow, and shower him—along with the many others—with standing ovation; face impressed and satisfied.

In that way, yes, death would be a pity to a life that hasn’t seen its full bloom yet.

Yet Minhyuk now settle for a life he’d rather not expected for himself, teaching music and singing to preschool kids. Never in his life did it cross him to teach, that he will be swarmed with kids and their parents, calling him Teacher Minhyuk. It’s the same impressed face, from the parents when their kids learn how to play or sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, but now it also comes with the warmth of little children’s smile. Minhyuk thinks their smile and laughter brightens his days better than the sun.

To no question, of course, he had to give up his ideals of going big and far in life. But he doesn’t mind. Not a single day does he mind it. His husband does though, at first. Being married to Hyungwon means settling down for a smaller, simpler life. Which Hyungwon doubts at first, because he didn’t wanna feel like he’s making him choose between him or his dream.

But Minhyuk likes it. He likes coming home everyday to a quiet house, greeting the love of his life with a kiss between the bookshelves. He loves their peaceful Sundays, leaning the side of his head to Hyungwon’s shoulder, curled by a thick blanket that joins their body tight; Hyungwon’s hand occasionally leave the book he read to brush Minhyuk’s cheek and ruffle his soft hair. He digs the morning coffee or midnight milk-sipping time, where Hyungwon spills ideas he just read, and Minhyuk chiming in with a missing perspective that Hyungwon needs to complete his disarranged puzzle of thoughts.

“So it’s your turn then. How do you see death and life now, hm?”  
  
Hyungwon chuckles, thinking back to the unnecessarily deep question of their first encounter.  
“Well. Let’s just say you change my mind on things from the last time I thought of it. Didn’t really occur to me, but life doesn’t drag on anymore, it feels complete and right that you’re here."

Hyungwon always know the right words to say, his words sweet yet sincere, and Minhyuk’s heart flutter.

“How about you, though? Have you made up your mind, now that you’ve taste a life smaller than you imagined for yourself?”

“Mm-hmm. I think I’ve come to a conclusion ever since.”

“And that is…?”  
  
“Death is not to be dreaded of nor a bliss. I just thought that… whenever my time’s up, I would be ready cause I’ve lived a good and happy life. With you.” His smile soft. “It was a small life, but my heart feels bigger than I could ever think of. You fill my heart bigger & better than being on any stage. So thank you.”

“More than Royal Albert Hall of London?”

“No, silly you. Not even Royal Albert Hall could compare.”

Minhyuk always reassures him that his persistence to stay behind to run his small library-slash-bookstore—forcing Minhyuk to take a gap year before he decide he had made a new dream for himself—was right. And Hyungwon is weak and soft for that.

“Can you play me your favorite piece, then?”  
  
“Oh I could even make you my own, my sweet muse.”

And so the melodious friction of strings and bow fills the night.

* * *

_"Is death a beginning, or really just an end?”_

“I don’t know Hyungwon, why don’t you answer that for me?” Minhyuk screams to his own passing thought, but it’s barely audible when his voice breaks with each spoken word. No piece of paper, tissue, or clothing made it safely near him as he picks everything apart—continuous sobbing went on for hours, and it pains him even just to breathe.

_"Don’t think about it.” He wanted to tell him._

Hyunwoo has been knocking on his door on and on. He’s persistent. But Minhyuk is even more persistent to lock himself inside once they got home. The more calm Changkyun surrenders, suggesting that he & Hyunwoo picks up some food for themselves and Minhyuk instead.

“He’s grieving, hyung. I didn’t even know Hyungwon, but I can’t imagine how it is for Minhyuk. Let him be for a while.”

Hyunwoo doesn’t feel like giving up on him, but younger Kyun has a point. He nods and made their exit.

 

_"Do you think it’s an open door, or a permanently closed one? Or rather, what would you wish it to be?”_

“Now that you’re over there, why don’t you tell me, Hyungwon? Answer me. Tell me you’re not really leaving. Tell me it’s just a door you can choose whether to open and close. I can’t. I can’t just do it without you.”  
  
_“It is, Minhyuk.”_  
“Minhyuk, I’m still here. I can choose, yet.”  
He whispers a vain attempt. He holds Minhyuk with the cold of his spirit, but Minhyuk doesn’t move. Doesn’t stop weeping. Minhyuk can’t feel him.

_“Minhyuk, you’re making it so hard for me.” He sighed, resting his airy self to Minhyuk’s shoulder this time._

 

* * *

 " _Is death a dreaded end to life, already fleetingly short in time? Or, does life drags on and on longer than necessary?”_

It drags on now, Minhyuk thought to himself. Days and hours never move as slow as it felt these weeks, and he might have an idea or two about what Hyungwon meant when he said his life was void before Minhyuk. He feels the same way, but after Hyungwon. It’s dull and lacking; suffocating, even.

_“Drop it, drop those questions, Minhyuk. Live on and let go, please..” Hyungwon begs a forever unheard plea. He feels sorry for Minhyuk, and he knows it must have not been easy for him._

_It was hard for him to stay around, just watching Minhyuk cry--denying himself of food, of a decent bathe, robbing himself of the sleep he needs, over questions and memories they shared—and rendered unable to do anything to ease those pain from him. It was hard, but it must’ve been harder for Minhyuk._

_When he was alive—before Minhyuk happens—Hyungwon thought of his final time. He wonders if anyone would miss him, if anyone would even notice or be affected that he’s gone. When he paid visit to funerals, watching families or friends pay remembrance to their late loved ones, he can only think of how nice it would be to have someone crying for him, over him._

_But it was just a thought; a thought he never gave any attention to ever since he found Minhyuk. But now that it strikes him real, he sighed and regrets everything he wished for. He didn’t know it would pain him this much instead to watch someone cry over him. He was selfish for his wish, and now he just want to undo all the pain he caused Minhyuk, and left him with only the most beautiful memory of him._

 

“Minhyuk, please… open the door.” A voice begs quietly. “Minhyuk…”

He stills.

“You don’t have to be okay. You can be broken. Let’s be broken together. Just let me know how you are, let me see you, come on.”  
  
“You don’t know him! How can you be broken over someone I love, _my_ love and _my_ life?” Minhyuk shouts from the inside of his room.

“I- I don’t mean to. I’m sorry…” silence fell.  
“I’m just here to pick you up…"  
“It’s his 40th day. I thought you would wanna-“

 

A switch of the lock can be heard, and he slowly peek his head out, looking at Hyunwoo in front of his door. He doesn’t look fresh. He’s not supposed to, not if he waits for hours each day in front of his door. Minhyuk simply nods and cue him to wait a little more, packing up his tiny bag and joins Hyunwoo down the flight of stairs.

“Can we stop to buy some flowers, though?” Minhyuk request as Hyunwoo starts his car.

 

 

They bowed their head and pray for Hyungwon. Hyunwoo gives him a pat on the shoulder, before stepping back to leave Minhyuk some space.

Minhyuk arrange the flowers he brought to the small blue vase. White chrysants from Hyunwoo and Changkyun, and purple Snapdragons from him; because Hyungwon was fond of the odd flower, stands gracefully tall just like him, and Minhyuk always think the soft shade of purple suits him. Hyungwon always wanted to grew it, if only the sun was more generous to share her light to their small home.

“I hope you enjoy the flowers. Would you even see it though? Still, it looks pretty next to you.” _I wish I can slip it behind your ears,_ Minhyuk wanted to say.

“I’m sorry I almost forgotten to pay you a visit. It’s been… harder than I thought for me.  It’s really, really hard, Won.”

 _"_ _I know. And it’s okay. It’s okay even if you don’t visit.  I’m so sorry, I’m just so sorry, Min.”_

There was a pause, a hint of guilt washing over the few next words he say. “Hyunwoo… Hyunwoo picks me up & drag me here.”

_"I know he did. I’m glad.”_

“Mm, you never met him. He’s my friend back from university. But he..  he understands. Him and Kyun, his brother & another friend of mine, but Kyun isn’t here. He said to pass you his greetings, though.”

_"He likes you, right?” Hyungwon mumbles as he watch Hyunwoo’s eyes, helpless as he is in lightening up Minhyuk’s heavy burden._

“I hope you don’t mind….”

_“I don’t.” He whispers next to his ear. “I don't mind you going on with life, having friends. I don't mind you getting a chance at happiness, Minhyuk."_  
  
_"And I like that guy. He seems sincere.”_

Minhyuk keeps his head down, and everyone in the room—that is the three of them—can see the slight shame he’s trying to hide. Tears form and fall to his cheeks, and Hyunwoo hesitates but still quick to leave a bundle of tissues on his coat’s pocket. Just in case he needs it, though Hyunwoo prefers him to cry his heart out, as honest and as vulnerable as he needs to be.

 _"Please get him out of here.” Hyungwon begs._  
  
“I’ll be in the car when you need me to go.” Hyunwoo pokes at his shoulder, afraid to cross an unspoken line. “Take your time. You deserve to at least grieve properly.”


	2. over and over.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a song to listen to as you read this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-wtiJM8U2I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i actually come back with a chapter 2! the timeline of when each scene happens here is a bit (or a lot) blur indeed, that's for you to freely to interpret and guess on your own! :) and it's sad but not really sad and i promise it gets a bit better by the end of the chapter, i feel bad for making people got too sad over this cause I DO myself :"D
> 
> hope you enjoy another one of my attempt~

_In the face of death and the loss of a loved one, do we wish life to go on, or for life to just stop and freeze in time?_ _Do we wish life to go on, or should it stop and just not go on anymore?  
Can you even go on, after a loss?_

"Tough question..." he clicks his tongue. "Uh. You go first this time."

"My pleasure. I mean, I don't know? You know I lived most of my years on my own, so going back to living alone again shouldn't be that hard. Lonely, but I'm used to it. But then again, I never had anyone I love so much to feel such loss."

"What if you lose me, then?"

"I'll lose my sanity with you."

"Sweet."

A smile was his reply. "But, what if you lose me?"

There was silence. The typical silence when his attention and mind is drifting away when he really thinks. Then there was nothing.

"I won't. I won't lose you, right? Ah. These questions made my head spin, I don't like it." He pouts. "Can we sleep, Hyungwonnie? We'll have quite an early start tomorrow, and _you_ , sir, have to wake up."

Hyungwon chuckles as he puts away his book and stretch his arm to shelter the sleepy Minhyuk in.

"Sure, I need to wake up for my baby. Let's sleep."

"I love you, Won."

"I'll love you, always."

 

 

"Hyungwon.... Won-ah."  
"Wakey wakey it's morning."  
"Hellooo pretty sleepy prince?"

 Minhyuk heaves a sigh when Hyungwon gave no reply.

"Kinda expected you would sleep in. As you always do."

Minhyuk slides off his bed and prep up a simple toast and jam for two. He knows neither of them eats breakfast, but he wanna make sure Hyungwon isn't left starving alone. As for himself, he can hear Changkyun lovingly nagging him for minutes to eat well and eat a lot more. So he packs up some food, any food, to eat as he'll meet them to send Hyunwoo off to the airport. He doesn't remember exactly where Hyunwoo are supposed to leave to, but he supposed he's been spending some time here in Seoul for quite too long than he usually do.

"I'll go now, but get up & freshen up when I come back okaaay? Bread and jam on the table, love you much!" Minhyuk shouts to the bedroom as he grabs his bag and keys to leave for the day.

 

Minhyuk come home to a spoiled breakfast.

"I see. You still didn't wanna eat. Right. Why would you eat?" Minhyuk takes the plate & throws it all away, like what he's been doing these past weeks.

"I guess you're not hungry."

* * *

 

"Baby! I'm home. What a loooong busy day," he blast the door open.

Minhyuk unpacks the dinner he bought, prepares it on the table, and walk to snuggle on the couch with papers he brought home from work.

"I know you wouldn't eat anyway, you don't eat dinner these days."

"Actually. You didn't wanna eat anything for a while now." Minhyuk pause, upset and worried. But undemanding as he resumes.

"That's okay..."

"Well anyway! It's Teacher's Day at school and my students gave me these drawings and some candies." Minhyuk flips through the paper, hurried and excited. Though Hyungwon may not feel the same. 

"Look, here they draw me sunflowers! This kid, maybe she's 5, said I remind her of flowers on her grandmother's garden. Aren't they so cute?"

"And here... here... uh, the draw me as a clown but I look frowning and there's cloud and rain on top of my head? I don't know why.. They said I am not as funny and I look sad a lot these days."

"But aren't kids the cutest?"

_Hyungwon remembers that they were. Cute. Even more so when Minhyuk comes home and babbles about the new, sometimes crazy but pure things that his tiny human students do at at school. But Hyungwon couldn't laugh. The way Minhyuk is talking about it now, the way the kids drew him that way, doesn't make Hyungwon feels cute. It suffocates him, even when he no longer feels physical pain. But he remembers the feeling of being so full with pain and suffocating._

_All he wanted to say was sorry._

"And I met them because I met you, Hyungwon. So thank you."

_And say thank you back,_ as Minhyuk's laugh disappear.

"Thank you for.... that, and everything else. And there's a lot you gave me." 

Minhyuk cover himself whole with the blanket, and disappear under it to cry everything out. He thinks of all the things he gets to do and be since he met Hyungwon. While his death brings him a lot to take, while he was alive and well, he left him a lot of gifts. 

And Hyungwon really, really wish to be hugging Minhyuk to his sleep instead of watching him cry himself out to sleep like he does right now. And Hyungwon is there to hold him and his broken self, Minhyuk just couldn't see nor feel him.

* * *

"Hyungwon... it's Sunday mor-"

"Oh." He wakes up to a cold, empty bed.

"Right. You're not here anymore. Why do I even." He reach for the nearby glass water, take and gulp the sleeping pills that's been decorating his nightstand for a while.

_ Do we wish life to go on, or for life to just stop and freeze in time?  _

"I wish it moves faster, as fast as light until the time we get to meet again."

_ What if you lose me? _

"But you said you'll love me always, yet I don't feel loved anymore right now. Like it doesn't matter. I'm left alone. I lost you... As in, _forever_ losing you."

Hyungwon learns that when humans are tired, their spirit can wander off to Hyungwon's realms. Some walk around there a bit, some wander too far. And when Minhyuk is exhausted and worn out, he too can hear him. And they get to talk sometimes. Though in the morning, Minhyuk can't register that as a reality and could only say,   
"I dream of you again tonight, I wish you can come by more often."

But Hyungwon knows that this thing don't last. He doesn't know much, but he encounter other spirits too. And some of them, he never get to see anymore. Some of them talks about how their time is finally up, like  _really_  up, and they have to actually  _go_.

And it's nights like this, where Minhyuk wake up from oversleeping or nightmares, and way too overwhelmed too separate his realm and Hyungwon's, that he try to get his message across.

"Hyungwonnie... nightmares."  
  
_"Sshh.. I know. And I'm missing you always from over here."_

"I miss you too. So bad, too bad." And tears always start to run over his cheek in his sleep whenever they talk.

_ Hyungwon brush his hair, hushing him like a baby. _

_ "Don't cry. Don't drink those pills to sleep your days away. Buy food for yourself only. I'm sorry I always leave you dinner cold and untouched. " _

_ "It hardens me to see you like this. But I'm sorry I put you through these hardships." _

"Mm. Not as hard if you just keep visiting me like this..."

_ "I can't." _

"Why not?"

_ "One day I'll have somewhere else to be. And I just.. I can't see you or look over you like this anymore." _

_ "Can you.... Please remember the letters I left you when you wake up. You usually do. Please look for my letters when you wake up." _

"Hmm?"

_ "Letters. I left for you. My last ones." _

_ "And you shall hear my heart even when I'm no longer around. Letters, baby. I hope you get to read it." _

_ "Always, I love you. Please eat something today." _

Hyungwon tried his best.

* * *

"Good morning." Minhyuk greets as he pour his cereal and stir up his coffee.

"You came by again last night. Telling me to eat well and stop sleeping in, so I try to make myself a cereal and made this coffee to wake me up."

"Can you actually hear me when I talk like this? Do you still see me around?"

"I'm okay even if my mind are just making things up about you while I sleep. I feel... a little loved and remembered when you drop by my dream. So thank you for dropping by, Hyungwon."

 

Hyungwon sits with him across their dining table enjoying the change of the morning scene: Minhyuk properly sat himself down to eat, and if Hyungwon is right, a very small and smile peeks into his cheek briefly.

It was quiet for awhile, but serene quiet. Minhyuk didn't say anything, didn't stop to stare at blank space, and just chew and crunch like any normal person does. And it reminds Hyungwon of their olden, happy days. Where Minhyuk eats and scroll his phone and Hyungwon sips on peppermint tea as he reads, or he just sips--both the hot tea and the warm beauty whom always sits in front him.

 

 

Minhyuk wipes his mouth clean as he threw the spoon lightly into the bowl.

"Because Hyungwon told me to, I can eat well today and I won't bring you food home anymore. I'll just use the money to buy you flowers and feed some lovely neighbor cat."

"So. I'll assume you can hear me. That you're still around. I'll bet on it, wish on it."

"I'm sorry if I ever worries you while you're... there. Assuming that you.. saw me?"

"But where are you exactly? Like, do people stay floating around and look over their loved ones after they die? Or do you go somewhere but you can still talk to me from over there?"

"I sure do hope it wasn't a creepy ghost that I mistook as you who talked to me last night... This honey corn cereal sucks, by the way. I'll just get our favorite strawberry pudding for early dessert tomorrow."

 

_Hyungwon followed Minhyuk around as he stands up and do his dishes._

Minhyuk was looking around, left an right, then the back of his head, and then up.

"Where could you be if you're still around..? I wonder."

Water runs through the faucet to his piling dirty dishes from last night. "I hate doing dishes, it was always you who does this back then. Pfft."

He do the dishes nevertheless, and hums himself to his & Hyungwon's favorite song back in the day.

_He can hear himself singing along with his lover. And it gives him hope.  
A little, maybe a huge hope, that Minhyuk can get better. Someday Minhyuk will get better. He will._

 

"WAIT." Minhyuk suddenly yells. (Hyungwon jumped & would bump his head to the cabinets if he wasn't an airy spirit).

"No. No. You- you mention something about letters? Letters you write... Which letters.." 

Oh.

"Hyungwon did left me letters!"

 

Minhyuk curse himself as he rush upstairs. He remember how Hyungwon on his last days, asked him to keep a box containing important letters, but strictly require him to only open it in the worst case of his passing. But he was overwhelmed and naturally, the box & its whereabout was the last thing to concern him.

 

When he finds the box sitting under the bed--swept away carelessly & covered by thick dusts, Minhyuk burst in tears at what he found inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why did i do this to minhyuk why do i always put him in a sad, tragic place in my fics. sigh. i adore humanly suffering minhyuk too much i guess......
> 
> but anyway I've come up with an actual outline aaaand apparently the ride will be shorter & moves faster than I initially thought of it to be. But for now, please have this piece. love, author.

**Author's Note:**

> drop your thoughts if you have any.  
> anything readers want to be explored more?  
> is the pace too fast or too slow? do i spill too much wasting-time details? lol anyway, thanks for reading, as always! <3


End file.
